Valenfreakintines

February 14th...ARRRGHHHH 1998....

New babble, new life, new year....new reader? welcome!

SO this is VALENTINE'S Day (hack hair ball here)

I'm still waiting on prince charming to send me the divorce papers. But, that's about as likely as Lorena getting an second chance to bob it. (oof, bad, sorry)

There's a lovely thing about to happen. Hundreds of thousands of suckers, I mean lovers, will give each other valentines presents. Some will get married. Some will get laid. Then there are those of you, who, like me, are sitting around wondering what the big deal is, anyhow. And, why there isn't something better on television than the bowlling tournament or the Olympic belching team.

(AN Aside..... I'm a HUGE fan of the ice skating folks and have been since I had a size 3 pair with double blades that I would use as I tried not to fall into the pond at the Public Gardens in down town Boston when I was 6. After 22 years of skating, I can almost stop on my own.)

I've been in LA a whopping three months now. The day job is a blast...by the way..and the comedy world, well, let's just say I have to kill about 560 people just to get stage time. In LA, the only way to get on television every night is to drive like a maniac up and down the free way, have helicopters chase you, and then claim innocence.

But I digress... Back to this sap thing. I have only had one Valentine's day that involved another person. That was last year. Two months later, my husband became one of those statistical weird guys who gives up everything that makes him happy, because he would rather sit around drinking. I'm not saying this will happen to you. I am just saying that is what happened to me.

On Valentine's day there are twice as many suicides than there are any other day of the year. Never the right people kill themselves. It's never that jerk who slams on his breaks when he sees dragons on the freeway. It's never the annoying neighbor who has to make sure you'r home because he is expecting a package from United Parcel any day now, and can't be there to accept it. ( Friend of the Unibomber?) People who kill themselves never seem to be that in-law you keep hearing say, "If you only had kids, this never would have happened" -- it's a vasectomy, and it was your son who had it, sweets.

Naw. It's always some stupid fool who was halfway decent looking. Or had a great job. Or had a bazillion friends but didn't call them. At least on Valentine's day. It's always the one fool who believes that because "THE ONE" didn't love them back, no one could.

One answer?

Adopt a dog. Every one of these little holidays that I've owned an animal, I've had them spayed or neutered. It's a freeing thing. If a dog breaks up with you, by lunch he's back wondering why you're not playing catch, or feeding him. If a dog sleeps around on you, you pretty much know he's going to be back at your feet in no time. You can't lose with a dog, cos no matter how mean or stupid you are, a dog will give you a break.

©2007 Cathe Jones