no, really I DO have it all together.. in this handbasket

Updated July 2001

There was a reporter here to see you... Apparently you were the last person on the planet without an entourage from the 6:00 news, so they have decided to nominate you aloof-o-the-year.

Two friends and one aquaintence of mine have been getting some press pretty heavily lately. Two have done really cool things, and after over twenty years of doing comedy, they are being called overnight successes. How stymied can I get? Both have been writing for as long as they could have, crayons and crazy foam inclusive. Both have been stage dogs for YEARS. IN fact, both had been well known by alot of that elusive hollywierd inner-circle stuff.

Boy, those fifteen year old superstars sure put in their dues! Wooh Weee. Hey, and that cast from the Genuine Planet? BOY, if I didn't have all this free time I could be watching the videos of that over and over again on MusicToob. How many times have you wanted to deck the person next to you who said, "You've just been voted off the island, dude", and "You are the weakest leak, goodbye". If I wanted a parrot, I would have purchased one. Geez, I'm still trying to figure out which New Kid on the Block I would have beaten had I been given the chance. They had a Pigpen, right? I really don't want to have Britney Spears telling me I need more sugar in my diet, when she and that Aguilera chick have the metabolisms of toy poodles. (And possibly the same kind of trainers, but I digress.)

Another friend, she's getting DOGGED by the press. Let me give you a scenario. Dad goes to the bathroom. The door wasn't closed all the way. The door starts to slowly open. As Dad is zipping his fly, the in-laws walk by. The in-laws post onto a cruelty to in-laws newsgroup about the terrible treatment they had recieved visiting Dad. The horror of seeing a man zip his pants, and the things he must have done before hand? Oh girl, letme tellya.... The next thing you know, Tom Brokaw is on the nightly news, (US, sorry to my australian readers.), and discusses the new trend of in-law abuse that has permeated the youth of our nation. Dad is now on trial in front of Judge Judy. Fortunately, Judy has some common sense, she owns a reporter, I think.

The basic lesson here is simple. You have to make up your own mind, and if you do, get as much information as possible before you make decisions. I do watch the news. Somehow the funniest stories come from the "facts of the day". But, there is only a half hour to most of these shows, or twenty minutes to an "in depth" report. How much information can you get about anything? So, when people ask me about what I think of someone I know who is getting dogged by the pressfolks, I really can't tell them anything. Opinions? Sure, I have them. I think it's unwise to think the worst of someone just because they are in the press-- unless it's one of those 15 year old superstars. THEY have got to be stopped.

Okay, so what about those politicians in the press because of an intern? REALITY ALARM, what about the 50,000 other kids, men and women who are missing who didn't make the press because they didn't sleep with or allegedly sleep with a lawmaker? We finally hear a "good" story about a black kid from a low income area, and it is only because he got attacked by dogs. (In other news, a young white boy was attacked by a shark...I guess his monster can beat up the other monsters.) Okay, why is it that Law and Order can do a story with the ending that SHOULD have happened, and have a million viewers agree with it, while 12 people on a jury didn't get it at all in unreal life?

I guess that's what I've been talking about for years and years and years. So I'll keep talking about it. The media only decides the public opinion in the public opinion polls. (Think about it. Pepsi® has a commercial letting people know who won the Pepsi® challenge.) The only way I know what people really think of my work is when I'm on stage. I've had lots of folks tell me they hate me or like me....based on the website or the stage shows. The folks who really have an opinion read the books and lyrics. (Warning warning, there are going to be new volumes up there any year now.) But, only my shrink knows me for sure. She's the only one who gets the WHOLE story.

At home I don't let the man-thing in on everything.....at work...same thing. My Dad? Oh yeah, if he knew everything in my life he would have died when I was 17. The books are alot more detailed than most conversations. So if the closest people in the world to me don't know the big whole horror that is my life, what makes a reporter think he can let people in on it in a two minute tale on the news? What makes us think we get the whole story from the same bit of information?

GOD was this a preachy one or what? Let's go have a beer...wait, I don't drink beer, I drink the very expensive thing YOU'RE buying. I'm going to watch Animal Planet now and have happy thoughts about Dr. Fitz.

Thanks for all the letters, and don't forget to sign the guest book!

Cathe