Turning 40

May 2004

I went to Hawaii. I enjoyed every second of it, and was suprised at how much Japanese I don't know. Not really suprised, but surprised at how much Hawaii has been transformed into Tokyo North East. Hawaiin airlines got a lesson on how to care for disabled folks, but mostly the trip was just fantastic. The smell of the islands is unlike anything else on earth and as sticky and gooey as I was, I'm looking forward to returning. The flea market alone made it worthwhile... where else can someone get a bright pink ukelele for $5?

This May 1st, I turned 40. Yeah, I can't believe it either. My boyfriend took me to see Tom Jones.. this of course officially makes me a middle aged woman. The thing is, I look back at the year I've had and saw that I've grown by more giant steps than I have in any other time of my life since I was leaving New Mexico to study music in San Francisco.

For an entire year, I made a VERY conscious effort to enjoy friendships, and to become a better friend. I think Amethyst's death had much to do with this as anything, but I'm sure losing Ann in 2001 was the biggest kick in the pants for me to learn how to be a social animal instead of the loner I was used to being.

So I started last year trying to mentor a younger lady who I thought had the greatest potential and would be a wonderful artist as soon as she let the self esteem fairy do some work, and knock off the self-hate that permeated nearly all her conversations. It was great for a while. I thought we had a big sister/little sister connection, but found out she was only trying to be friends with me because a guy she was dating said she was too much of a loner and needed friends. I stood by her through some really rough stuff, but she really took me for granted, and started to really take her life's problems out on me. She used me as a target, and a blame for just about anything and everything that she couldn't control in her life. It got bad. She pretty much hurt me in any way she wanted, and took no responsibility for it. This is why she needed friends...to see that people would stand by her unconditionally. But she pushed and pushed until finally I called her on it. She hasn't spoken to me since. Ironically, she lets everyone else in the world know that she was a bad friend to me, but never returns my emails or calls. Self-fulfillment is an interesting way of self-punishment in this case? I don't know. But I learned what to look out for in someone who may have ulterior motives other than simply being friends.

I've also made efforts to get connected to people via Tribe.net and a few newsgroups. I worked on settng up reunions with Calarts Folks in the Vegas area. Also, instead of just being a closet(?) atheist, I have made efforts to spend time with other like thinking people and have met some GREAT folks. Jenn, Celeste, Bev - I'm pointing out the women because this is the first time in my life since grad school where I have actively sought out female friends. When it really hit me how much I lost when I lost Amethyst, it was clear that women offer something in friendship that men just don't approach. Warmth and kindness. I've also learned to have conversations with Non-atheists, like Rebecca and Kelley C. which weren't about their lack of common sense of not being atheistic. That was tough one. For some folks the god stuff is the only thing they have any comfort in, and as someone who uses a physical cane, I can understand those who sometimes need an emotional one. It's like watching someone who puts all their faith in Obie Wan Kanobie..but they find strength in something... which isn't themselves. That part bothers me, but I think for them to choose MY friendship they learn about why those myths can be dismissed. I open their eyes to other thoughts. That makes their friendship worthwhile.

I've also become close to people outside of my inner posse. I have a group of about seven people I see day in and day out. It helps that my boyfriend is very social and connected to people. But since really seeing how much a friend can do to help just get me through day to day life, I've gotten to have some fantastic howdy-do's with folks like Bill, Jen S., Dennis, Val, Leila, and other folks whom I've taken to try to see at least once a week. For someone who has spent literally YEARS without talking to anyone but family on the phone, this is HUGE.

Being alone, I had a Walden like existence. I could quote Dylan, but only to myself. Now I have friends who let me know what albums that I'm quoting from, and more to the point, why I'm quoting. I have been part of a group of folks who have seen the same film 20 some odd times, and we all relive the movie together. I guess what I'm trying to say, I'm learning how to have small talk.

My whole life philosophy has been that no word leaving my mouth should be a wasted thought. Now I find myself babbling in nonsense and I realize how much fun it is to mindless instead of mindful.

So I'm now 40, and I'm learning how to play nice with others.

Cathe