You were wondering why, and here it is
Suicide has no logic to anyone who
feels strong enough inside to take the
loneliness. It's selfish, and cold
and people who never were around when
you could have used a hand
to hold and a shoulder to cry on
suddenly appear and talk about the
tragedy and the pain
you must have felt.
liars all, lonely people listen
to songs and hear that they are
not alone. They sing the words
and feel that they are not alone.
They dim the lights at night, and
listen to the traffic and hear
their own heartbeats, and call
friends who aren't home, and masturbate
thinking of famous rock musicians
living or dead. They discuss at length the
opinions held to the television.
Suicide is not an option when you are so
alone that the idea of no one seeing your
procession pass, hurts more than the loneliness.
People call you a friend. People tell you
that you are such a great person. People
want things and need things, and never offer in
return anything, except more requests.
Family farce. Occasional call on the
required Hallmark holiday. Occasional
gossip about a sibling. Knowing full
well that you will be the next assaulted in
the very next moment when phone is hung up.
I begin to understand Monroe. I begin to
know Janis. They were so loved to the
exterior degree, and Andy who died
unwillingly, all lonely like me....despite
those around constantly. Very alone.
No understanding. No attempt to break free
of selfish plunder to reach into another's pain.
Only a lonely person does that. Only a
lonely person wants no one else to have
to go through the fear and pain that
a lonely person goes through daily.
Hobbies..great Ann Landers' advice..
but, gym, and theater, and classes
done. Too "unusual" for mainstreamers,
too single for married/single moms. Too extroverted
for quiet time. too quiet for party machines.
Sit alone and sing, solace at last.
When you are in a position where you
are supposed to be "in Power', you
have limited access to the people
under you, and that is what Kenny Dwight
understands very well. And that is
what the president of the company feels
and that is what the teacher in the college
knows, and the singer on the stage.
Momentary lapses create small sexual
encounters. False love. False truths, but
so deeply real for fleeting moments...like
the purr of a cat. Like the tail wag of
a puppy. Like the laugh at a joke. Hey,
existence has been acknowledged..
it mattered to another being for a
passing moment
But the moment has passed.
Eleanor Rigby was my hero. At least
the Beatles knew her, and the nowhere
man, now a submarine man.
At least they made someone listen.
Self absorption is the only
thing that becomes reliable. Self
understanding, art, music. Pain is
transferred unto the words on a paper,
shared by another in twenty years, long
after the passing moments, when
you could have been a friend. Held the sadness of another
into your arms and felt the desire to be loved.
In another. Lonely people aren't good at
being very selfish, they want to love so
much that they love too much and that
leaves them out on their own, alone again.
Years now. Child spent time
wondering why she was so very different that
no one would spend time in her little
world. Child wondered why
there were so many people trying to be
like each other. Child saw unique as a gift.
Teen. Spent years wondering why the nice
boy didn't talk to her. Fantasized her deep
desire to be famous musician, yet wasn't
taken seriously because of eccentric behaviour
or because of parental guilt. Or because of self doubt
because success is just what other people
see, not what is ever really internally felt.
Parents? What is that that makes one
feel the wish to have lived in an orphanage
than in her home? What is that that makes
a young woman believe that her self
centered family could actually reach beyond
the materialism and find a child they bore
and give love, or at least try to? A book and a
stranger made a rich attempt.
Experiments performed in the 1950's
on children deprived of physical
contact and affection showed
that they would die, literally, of loneliness.
Why does it take some of us so Long?
We reach into others, and are given
false starts, a chance, and then are
shaken by the force of another's fear.
This person has never been that lonely.
This person does not know that a small
amount of rejection is a very large board
on a camel's back. And the lonely do
not attempt to seek the other lonely people.
They fear what the non lonely feel,
entrapment, and possibilities of
ending of relationships built on trust.
The lonely have no examples of trust.
The lonely have no understanding that
it is okay to not agree. The lonely
do not understand that others do not see
that a little pain is deeper than a clean cut
free. Blatant messages.."LEAVE ME" now, before
you actually start caring, see then it
would hurt too much. They come too late.
The man who reached in and touched the
soul, after fears and trepidition. The god
awful way he conned you into believing he was
really loving you in such a way that you
may let your guard down, and follow
instincts, and be as giving as you possibly
could.
The the uncommon nonsense of trying to
rush things because of excitement, and forgetting
that you are creating a wall between nature and
fear that would never have been built. But you have
no idea how natural things occur, because so
few have risked entering this deeply into who you are.
And when they do, you want only the good things, and
you want to show that person how grateful
you are that he has broken into the fear of
people you battle on a daily level. And
you lose him because his interpretation of
your action is that he no longer has a say
in the situation.
And if you don't lose him, you have sufficiently
become afraid to ever feel for him anymore.
Your wall is rebuilding steadily. His love sounds
like a lie. He just feels sorry for
you. He can't win. You don't let yourself be
in the moment. And that is what shakes him lose
from your affection. He finds a much less
unique, much more shallow, and much less
intelligent women.
Then you become disgusted at your inablility
to let things happen, and you come to the
realization that you are simply meant to
be completely alone. And you wish you were
dead because the pain is so great.
And you feel stupid for feeling so selfish.
And that compounds that pain...it's a vicious circle.
You can't break out of a pattern when you
never were given the chance to discover
other possibilities.
Then it happens yet again. You have been broken
into. Your soul and solitude are violated.
You actually begin feeling that love thing.
Your fear grows, knowing that it is his
lust and infatuation leading you into it.
You want to have a NORMAL relationship.
Then it happens. You are saying IT. And you
become disgusted with yourself. You try
to hide, then you try to con yourself into
feeling by sending a card, or a rose. If he
feels good,then it won't be like the others.
You don't realize you are stepping back into
that pattern, until he starts feeling anxious
and trapped, and begins pulling away all
of the warmth. Then you scramble, and continue
into the stupid gift store, hoping that he
will be happy.
Then something else happens. Lonely
people do not understand that it is ok
to attempt to break a pattern....You try
to cancel the flowers, yet are stuck because
it is Mother's day, and the florist is swamped
and forgot to cancel your order. SO there you are
there again, in his way, smothering his distance, and
hoping he doesn't call. You are realizing that
you are attempting to break the pattern. You turn the
ringer off of the phone, leave the machine on, with
the volume off. You are now inaccessable. You are
now allowing him time to breathe because you will
not answer his call for a few days. Nor will you attempt
to break into his silence, because he needs to feel safe.
You rethink things. He was the pursuer, and you went
and turned the table on him, leaving him helpless
in his pacing. You have decided to let him make
all of the relationship decisions, but you have
also decided to let the wall build up so
that if he chooses to step away from it, it won't hurt so
much.
Lonely people spend little time working
on relationships in a healthy way, because if
love is meant to happen it will be forced away from them.
Lonely people don't understand that others
don't get where you are, or that they have
no idea how deep loneliness is, because it
began with a mother who never
listened to a baby's cry, or a father who
was living with your first step mother
when you were so very young.
Lonely people spend 90% of the time working
on becoming a better person. They achieve
and succeed and exceed other's expectations. But
that just helps to make the wall higher. Kenny
Dwight knows this. Andy knew this. Lonely people
become indispensible in their heirarchy, yet dismissable
in any personal relationship because who is
really caring about the person inside when the outside
is so cool, and deep, and talented? Who gives
a shit if you would love for someone to simply
stroke your hair as you sleep, when they can get
instant satisfaction from a drink and a fuck?
Who wants to just be silent in the darkness with
you as you sit on a cliff in the mountains, when
they can watch you be funny in Hollywood? Or watch
your videos and ooh and aah. Who wants to listen
to you tell your favorite childhood camp story when
they can borrow your last dime, car, and ex boyfriend?
Lonely people are frustrated that they are
the ones who are so ready to give, and yet
are just a bookmark in the history of
other's lives. They love all people, they love
all of life, and have no one to explore any of
it with.. And its our own fault.
Suicide:n: Intentional killing of oneself
No lonely person commits suicide. They
succumb to the death of their spirit, and remain
shells until their bodies die, in an optimistic
daze that it will not always be this way, once the
pattern is broken, and they can simply accept
another's feelings without trying to overfill on them.
© 1984 Cathe Boudreau
